just a bunch of m’s thots

[stardust_rifle]

whenever a lot of afab people talk about the experience of “growing up afab” and their experiences with sexualization it’s always like they’re talking from a completely different dimension from me. my relationship to sexuality has been dominated just by desperately trying to get people to see me as a sexual being.

do you know how severely it fucks you up when basically every reaction everyone outside your immediate family has had to seeing your naked body is violent disgust?

try to think of anything that has an autistic or otherwise developmentally disabled character express sexual interest in anyone and doesn’t play it off as a joke. seriously try.

and i know this is cruel and shitty of me and i don’t really endorse these thoughts but whenever i see someone talking about how being viewed sexually fucked them up my brain goes “god i wish that was me”. my aggressive desexualization didn’t save me from sexual assault and harassment but i also never had anyone express interest in me normally. i never got the self-esteem boost from being seen as hot and all the social scripts i got from society that discussed how People Like Me related to sex was “you being attracted to someone is a sick fucked up joke, someone being attracted to you means they’re probably a predator”.

and that last part also fucks with your brain! seriously fucks with it! knowing that a lot of people look at me and go “the only people who will ever love that thing are probably predators and pedos” fucking sucks and i hate every shitty reminder of it.