stardust_rifle

aaaahhhhh the ocd and the disconnect from reality it’s starting up again…

The hallucinatory giraffe/calliope/ghost children were fun and charming. The paranoid delusions were miserable but make funny stories in hindsight. The flesh-melting PMS symptoms, the sensations of my limbs clipping into each other or floating at my side like Rayman, the time I kept hallucinating the taste of rotten meat in my mouth, those are at least clinically interesting. Boredom^10 at least gives me the unique experience of having felt an emotion that not very many people have felt. The Menacing Vaguely Male Figures are at least deserving of some grandeur, some pomp, some menace. Even the headsnake gave me a funny story.

But the hellbugs. Oh, the hellbugs. Miserable entities, didn’t even have the decency to be properly scary or funny in proportion to the amount of misery and physical damage they did to my actual body. Absolutely no redeeming qualities as artifacts of my biology whatsoever. F-.

I feel like every other month I make a post about how OCD is a horrible helldisease. Going to make this post again. OCD is a horrible helldisease.

Have acquired a new neurosis. Great.

never let it be said that i can't not be funny even in the midst of a horrific mental breakdown

Unironically prefer “crazy” to any other kind of sub-descriptor because I’ve been in more-or-less constant contact with the mental healthcare system since age 6 and in that time have changed diagnosi a startling amount of times. What’s on my file today might not be on my file in two years.

Also, “crazy” as a self-descriptor is fun. It puts me in dialogue with larger-than-life movie villains and sad gay anime boys. A laundry list of diagnoses just lets you know what’s wrong with me in a boring way.

I kind of hate the whole mental illness advocacy thing of “well we can’t be TOO proud of being crazy, or else the normals might think that being crazy doesn’t have any downsides”.

Like there was that one post that was like “don’t say your scars make you beautiful, say that you can be beautiful DESPITE your scars” and i was like? fuck you? for me, telling myself “hey, your skin IS beautiful because it’s uniquely yours” is much better for my badbrains than saying “hey, those people who didn’t have the decency to hide their disgust at the sight of your skin were right, actually”.

Maybe I feel differently because while there are some weird corners of the internet that hyper-fetishize stereotypical self-harm scars (i’ve seen the anime porn), there really isn’t the same momentum for eczema scars? Like the main reactions i’ve gotten have been either people being aggressively chill or disgusted/repulsed. I don’t get the hentai.

Unknown Youtuber Just Released Video On Thing Local Crazy Is A Mega Unstable Parasocial Autist About With Horrible Clickbait Title But The Comments Are Promising? Should Local Autist Watch The Vidiya? Much To Discuss.

EDIT: the vidiya was fine. pretty funny to see someone try to make a video on x japan’s history without saying the word “die” or “suicide”, though.

In a weird way, I think it's kind of a blessing that I don't have any memories of not being mentally ill.