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stardust_riflei know that shittier and less detailed versions of this list are on my tumblr and aethy, but i'm making this list anyway. jjba main villains ranked from gayest to straightest, by three queer people in a car on the way home from Renfaire, GO!
Enrico Pucci (Part 6). Pucci is unquestionably the most homosexual of the main villains. He devoted himself entirely to Dio Brando, carrying out his plan to destroy the Joestar bloodline and even fusing with Dio's weird green baby self. Quoth my friend, he also became a priest, and "why else would someone do that if he didn't want to be surrounded by men." Pretty gay to devote yourself to God, a man. Even if that man is a slutty bisexual vampire. Results: Very Very Gay
Speaking of which...
Dio Brando (Parts 1 and 3). "He's the kind of composed character that could go with a man or a woman". Hirohiko Araki, Eureka Magazine, November 2007. Results: Canonically Bisexual
Kars (Part 2). He literally ended his entire species except for a fellow big buff strapping man and the two children they adopted together. The JJBA Youtuber That Shall Not Be Named is deeply wrong about many things, but he is correct that this is very gay. Results: Probably Gay
Diavolo (Part 5). On one hand, he has a deeply homosexual aesthetic and his whole thing calling Doppio "my cute Doppio". Very gay. On the other hand, he has canonically had sex with a woman, an act which put his entire identity and position at the top of Italy's criminal underworld in danger. Results: Sexuality Inconclusive, Canonically Attracted To Women
Funny Valentine (Part 7). Valentine has a wife and does not appear to demonstrate any form of attraction to other men, neither does he have Queer Vibes beyond the JJBA norm. However, his wife is canonically bisexual, and as someone who spent an inordinate amount of time in the 2015 Queer Tumblr Discourse trenches, I understand that this gives him 1/64th of a membership in the queer community. Results: Straight, But Allowed At Pride
Kira Yoshikage (Part 4). Repeatedly demonstrates sexual attraction to women('s hands). However, he is far from the cultural construct of the Heterosexual Male, as he does not demonstrate any form of attraction to women aside from their hands. The cultural construct of the normal man, the salaryman, the husband, the Heterosexual Male is something he wears as a construct to disguise his true, depraved nature. It should be noted that unlike almost all of the entries on this list, this categorization was not unanimous. One person in the car believed that he was the straightest JJBA villain, owing to the centrality of his sexuality to his motivation. Results: Technically Heterosexual I Guess But Good God He Does Not Have A Normative Sexuality
And the straightest JJBA villain is...
Tooru (Part 8). As opposed to Kira's abnormal and twisted sexuality which he hides behind a veneer of normalcy, Tooru's pursuit of a much younger woman fits into normative heterosexual masculinity perfectly well. He also just fucking has the most heterosexual energy out of all of the main villains. Again, one person in the car wanted to rank him as the second-most heterosexual, owing to the lack of heterosexual centrality to his motivation as opposed to Kira. He was outvoted, however. Results: Extremely Central Example Of A Heterosexual Male
Enrico Pucci (Part 6). Pucci is unquestionably the most homosexual of the main villains. He devoted himself entirely to Dio Brando, carrying out his plan to destroy the Joestar bloodline and even fusing with Dio's weird green baby self. Quoth my friend, he also became a priest, and "why else would someone do that if he didn't want to be surrounded by men." Pretty gay to devote yourself to God, a man. Even if that man is a slutty bisexual vampire. Results: Very Very Gay
Speaking of which...
Dio Brando (Parts 1 and 3). "He's the kind of composed character that could go with a man or a woman". Hirohiko Araki, Eureka Magazine, November 2007. Results: Canonically Bisexual
Kars (Part 2). He literally ended his entire species except for a fellow big buff strapping man and the two children they adopted together. The JJBA Youtuber That Shall Not Be Named is deeply wrong about many things, but he is correct that this is very gay. Results: Probably Gay
Diavolo (Part 5). On one hand, he has a deeply homosexual aesthetic and his whole thing calling Doppio "my cute Doppio". Very gay. On the other hand, he has canonically had sex with a woman, an act which put his entire identity and position at the top of Italy's criminal underworld in danger. Results: Sexuality Inconclusive, Canonically Attracted To Women
Funny Valentine (Part 7). Valentine has a wife and does not appear to demonstrate any form of attraction to other men, neither does he have Queer Vibes beyond the JJBA norm. However, his wife is canonically bisexual, and as someone who spent an inordinate amount of time in the 2015 Queer Tumblr Discourse trenches, I understand that this gives him 1/64th of a membership in the queer community. Results: Straight, But Allowed At Pride
Kira Yoshikage (Part 4). Repeatedly demonstrates sexual attraction to women('s hands). However, he is far from the cultural construct of the Heterosexual Male, as he does not demonstrate any form of attraction to women aside from their hands. The cultural construct of the normal man, the salaryman, the husband, the Heterosexual Male is something he wears as a construct to disguise his true, depraved nature. It should be noted that unlike almost all of the entries on this list, this categorization was not unanimous. One person in the car believed that he was the straightest JJBA villain, owing to the centrality of his sexuality to his motivation. Results: Technically Heterosexual I Guess But Good God He Does Not Have A Normative Sexuality
And the straightest JJBA villain is...
Tooru (Part 8). As opposed to Kira's abnormal and twisted sexuality which he hides behind a veneer of normalcy, Tooru's pursuit of a much younger woman fits into normative heterosexual masculinity perfectly well. He also just fucking has the most heterosexual energy out of all of the main villains. Again, one person in the car wanted to rank him as the second-most heterosexual, owing to the lack of heterosexual centrality to his motivation as opposed to Kira. He was outvoted, however. Results: Extremely Central Example Of A Heterosexual Male
