a response to an otherwise-good tumblr post

[stardust_rifle]

"All neurodivergencies are invisible disabilities" is kind of an oversimplification, IMO. Just speaking from experience, while my position on the visible/invisible disability spectrum (which is a topic for another day) fluctuates, there have definitely been scenarios where I'm walking around with big, bulky, noise-canceling headphones, sunglasses indoors, while carrying a stuffed animal.

Someone who looks at me might not go "Oh, they're autistic", but they will notice that Something's Up, and this definitely carries over to the way I get treated by other people.

Comments

[palominocorn]

Huh. I'm not sure what definition of "invisible" this person is using but it's not the same as mine - people reliably flag me as neurodivergent when, eg, they see/hear my reaction to bright lights and loud noises. And painful lights and noises are EVERYWHERE so I do this multiple times a day.

People definitely also notice my writing/language/speech issues and my forgetfulness. And while I have my moods under better control now, I was DEFINITELY read as A Mentally Ill (TM) as a kid/teen.

[stardust_rifle]

Yeah, I looked back at the post to see if I misunderstood something, but yep, they just said "Mental illnesses and neurodivergencies are invisible disabilities" which, yeah, I get the point they were trying to make (someone with depression is less "visibly disabled" than a person in a wheelchair) but. Yeah. Oversimplification.

And I'm super interested in the "people reliably flag me as neurodivergent because of my sensory reactions" thing? Because from my perspective, my reactions to sensory stuff get me flagged as "Wow, they're so weird!"

Are those the same thing, from your perspective?

[palominocorn]

This is going to be rambly and maybe a bit incoherent, but I'll clarify anything that's confusing as well as I can, lol.

There's stuff that people *often* read as ND, and stuff that people often/always read as "weird", and stuff in the grey area in between. I've found that the older I get, the more likely I am to be read as neurodivergent rather than weird - whether this is a case of me presenting differently or society getting more education or my own circle of acquaintance shifting is a complex question. Complicating the issue is that I have #NoFilter and so most people that interact with me regularly know I have autism, bipolar, and oodles of trauma, but this was not the case ten years ago. Also, since I don't exactly interview strangers in the grocery store giving me funny looks, I am basing most of this on people who actually know me.

So like, typically when people flag my sensory issues with light/noise, they read that as "ah yes, a Neurodivergent" - occasionally as autism/SPD (correctly), but usually as PTSD.

Weird stuff around touch is these days seen as symptoms of physical disability (I also often use a cane) - in the past people thought I was "uptight" and assumed it was cultural. (It's OCD + trauma... and now also chronic pain.)

Little OCD rituals and preferences get flagged as "weird" or "Eastern European" or "queer" most of the time - pretty sure people don't flag me as OCD unless I tell them.

My issues with speech and language processing are read as disability - typically d/Deafness/HoH (but like the kind they use as an insult), which is physical disability - but they still flag me as disabled, I'm not invisible.

Sitting in chairs funny and fidgeting gets read as weird even by people who know I have autism.

Writing problems (both spelling/grammar and handwriting) I THINK mostly get read as (r-wordness) - this one I actually don't know for sure what people assume? The r-word gets used for both "weird" and "known to be neurodivergent" people.

The coping mechanisms I use for stuff (writing in cursive, bizarre organization rituals, putting a trash can every three feet) are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS read as me being "eccentric" - I'm an accomplished enough scientist that people who see these things think I'm eccentric rather than weird. There's a whole discussion to be had on THAT difference.

My ability to analyze and dissect things, and my... weaponization of hyperactivity/lack of focus (junebugging, from that one Tumblr post) are seen as superpowers.

My teen mood swings, I'm pretty sure people in school assumed to be mental illness - I can't remember very well but I think people believed I had some personality disorders?

Literally no one ever flagged my alcohol misuse correctly ("party animal"), and only one person read me as having an eating disorder (and she did it in a nasty "there's no way you're THAT anorexic" when I told her my weight so, categorize that one how you will).

Only one person (my partner of a decade) ever read me as potentially plural that I know of.

I'm not sure I ever get read as psychotic for actual psychosis symptoms, although I've been called psychotic (the medical term) and psycho (the insult that covers a lot of ground) for... non-psychosis symptoms. Like mood swings or interpersonal difficulties.

Interesting data point: my boss (also autistic) said he clocked me as "neurodivergent, probably autistic" during my 30-minute interview.

I know people thought my avoidance of eye contact was "weird" rather than autistic, but I learned to mask that one.

The sum total of all this, though, is that there's no way in hell my neurodivergence is invisible to anyone who's talked to me for any length of time - like, I might get read as "weird" rather than disabled, but so do tons of people with EDS and asthma and any other physical disability that doesn't involve either visible disfigurement or obvious assistive devices sooooo...

[stardust_rifle]

That's super interesting. And don't worry, you made sense.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the difference is that I'm pretty tight-lipped about my own neurodivergence in personal conversation- I really don't tell anyone that I'm autistic unless it comes up naturally.

My sensory issues have been continuously flagged, by family members, by friends, by literally anyone else, as a "Oh, M's being weird again"- I think only one person (who was probably also autistic himself, clocked me as One Of Us) in my whole lifetime.

My mannerisms (the way I walk, speak, hold my body) when I'm not actively masking get me read as, again, r-word, so I don't know what they mean. Same thing with my math difficulties.

Everything else, no one's commented on (except, you know, therapists) because I go to great lengths to keep my other Weird Brain Stuff hidden from other people, so I don't know how they would have flagged me.

[palominocorn]

Yeah, that would do it - people who already know something is up brainwise are more likely to think ND rather than weird.

I have no idea how the way I walk gets read, actually? I have three distinct normal walk styles, plus how I walk with pain. I know that the walking is related to brain stuff. Most people probably think it's a trans thing. (I've been paying attention to my own mannerisms lately, but not long enough to have good data on them.)

I've found that therapists and other mental health professionals are no better than the general public at clocking things. I have straight-up read off my symptoms in a way to make them understand that I have XYZ, and they'll brush me off or come to the completely incorrect conclusion.

I still work hard to keep the psychosis and the harmful parts of the personality disorders hidden (because those give people *reasonable* cause to be afraid of me hurting them, as opposed to everything else I have). The psychosis is easier, but I know I've let the PD stuff slip through.

[hellofriendsiminthedark]

Sounds like the type of person who thinks of depression as the quintessential neurodivergence and leaves it there. Probably the most readily recognizable neurodivergence with de facto physical exhibitions is Down syndrome, but neurological disorders like Tourettes, Parkinson's, Huntington's, MS, etc can also come with highly visible and unsuppressable physical effects that very clearly mark people as disabled to others. And even that's not getting into congenital skull differences and stuff. There's a whole truckload of highly crude and recognizable physical behaviors that people use to signal mockery of intellectually disabled people that pretty readily prove that for most of society does believe that you can tell who's an r-word just by looking.